Failure...

At the end of the day, I will no longer be a college student.  Because of numerous reasons, many of which were simply my fault, I was booted from financial aid eligibility.  I realize that this is not the end of the world, and that technically I still am "in college" until my FDC class ends (thank you UConn) but, sigh, not in the real sense any more.  The great braggart I was, going to graduate in the spring...that was a Yoda moment...I will go back, and I will graduate.  Perhaps it is for a good reason, and perhaps I will find that reason as the semester progresses.  Either way, it will certainly be a good lesson in finance.

Lousy...

As the babies get better, and Paul too (I think) I am feeling worse...managed to get the house kind of picked up, and a shower before exhaustion kicked in and it is back to the sofa.  Did get a chance to watch the entire movie Tangled with Bria, but dang...all I want to do is sleep.  Perhaps there will be time for a nap, in a bit...if I can distract E and McGee long enough.  I know that it is not the best parenting choice, but wow...I guess we are all entitled to days.
Until next time...

Simply a touch...

He does not speak, save for the random phrase he repeats back to you, but his emotions and feelings are evident the minute you look in to his face.  And this morning, dressed for school, the message was clear...he was sick (again) and wanted nothing to do with existing outside a sleeper and the sofa.  So, despite how lousy I felt, he was home with me.  He slept, for hours...and I just watched him.  My tiny baby (well, not tiny) who looked helpless.  A parent has pride and unconditional love for their child, but an unspoken bond can be a blessing when they don't speak.  Of course, it also will drive you mad when you have no idea what to do, to make them feel better and they can not tell you.  Ah, Autism...once again you have crashed my helicopter parenting style.  I have to trust that eventually I will figure out what he needs, and he will love me despite the times I get it wrong.  One thing that is always going to be certain, so long as his feet can reach mine...and he has that contact to another person, it will all be ok.  Even now, as I type on the couch next to him...the tiny feet of a sleeper find their way to where mine are.  Even with out words he finds a way to let me know he is ok...and I am blessed for that.  The lessons are mine to learn, and together we will find a way through this, like we always do...
Until next time...

You only have but to listen...

I am watching Ice T's Art of Rap, and he asks why people think rap does not get respect.  The answer surprised me, when they stated it was because people did not understand what the rapper was saying.  His example was that his mom is 80 and does not know how to listen, to understand what she was hearing.  His own mother...it got me thinking.  Perhaps that is why people struggle to respect and understand others, because they can not seem to understand how to listen.  Just a moment, to just listen as opposed to judging and "knowing" what the message is before another speaks one word.  I wonder how this would server to establish communication between two whom may never have met on the even playing field before?  I try to meet E where he is at, and remember that my inability to hear words from his lips should never keep me from HEARING the message he is trying to get across.  Perhaps not word for word, but certainly the gist of it.  It is all about looking at their world, in their way, through their eyes for even just a moment.  Maybe then we will "get it."  Maybe then we will respect the journey taken to arrive at a crossroads of understanding...or maybe it will simply enable us to nod, smile and go on like the 80 year old mother who is proud of her child, even if she is not quite certain what exactly the purpose of his work is.
Until next time...

New Year, New Purpose

Just over a year ago, I deactivated my Facebook (October 2011) and it lasted just days.  This time my goal is to stay off for a year, and see where my life takes me.  I have found that, in just the first 24 hours, I have played more with my children and cared more to read to them than before.  I also have actually read the news for the first time in forever, as opposed to just seeing what showed up in my feed.  My intention is to rediscover my family, and refocus on living with them instead of just sharing a house.  A few people sent their email or snail mail and I will certainly keep in touch with them.  I do have to wonder if they will reciprocate the gesture, or if they are simply too busy.  I was not going to blog this experience, but my husband lovingly pointed out that if I did not give all the thoughts in my head somewhere to go, I would likely go nuts.  He, of course, is absolutely right.  So, our journey begins today...new year, new purpose.
Until next time...